Words Start Everything

A dream

2011-09-29T17:22:00.000-05:00

I had a regular day. I woke up. Kissed Nate goodbye. I went to work, ate lunch, drove home. I watched TV on the couch. I received a phone call from a friend I hadn't seen in a few weeks, inviting me out. So I drove to her house and we left in her car to go get a few of her other friends along the way. And then I died.

I've had many dreams about dying. I've gotten used to nightmares. Waking up shaking and sweating and screaming. I've always had them. I always wake up knowing they are nightmares and they are over and I'm safe in my bed. They are never normal.

It's been over a month since I had this dream and it sticks to my memory. We were driving and laughing and enjoying the sun, enjoy our lives in that moment. I could feel the heat of the sun on the door of the car as I hung my arm out the window and we sung along to a Third Eye Blind song on the radio.

Everything stopped.

Maybe I've seen too many movies and read too many books. Maybe my distain and anxiety about cars and driving has gotten the better of me.
Everything stopped and the glass and metal of the car shattered and twisted around us. It engulfed us. I felt the air forcefully being pushed out of my lungs. I didn't have time to yell, to scream.

I remembered my fourth birthday party. A day before my actual birthday. To everyone who wished me a "Happy fourth Birthday" I snottily replied that I was not 4, I was still 3.

I remembered my parents driving down to Winona my sophomore year, sitting me down in the living room of my first apartment and explaining they were getting a divorce.

I remembered the summer of 2006, standing in the rain in Alaska, dropping my cigarette as I kissed Jeremy for the first time, afterward telling him I was going to marry him someday.

I remembered Michelle driving us to Tonka Bay in her car, almost getting lost on our way to Nate's housewarming party where we would meet for the first time.

All these memories were relived, played out like little movies as my bones snapped. I felt hair and skin being ripped from my body. I felt my heartbeat slow.

Everything stopped, again.
All I saw was black. I heard no noise, no talking or traffic or television to tell me it was only a dream. I felt nothing, no pain.

Then I noticed I was breathing, that my heart was beating.
Then I heard the birds.
There were two of them, talking back and forth. Robins I think, but I don't know bird songs.
I opened my eyes and saw the ceiling, our light fixtures, one of my paintings. I turned my head and saw the TV on, movie finished and silent; I had fallen asleep on the couch.

I laid there for a long time, not moving, trying to figure out what had happened.

I hope that whenever I die, however it happens, wherever we go when it's all over, that that is how I "wake" up. To the birds singing and my memories.

Hello, again.

2011-08-11T20:49:00.002-05:00

Well, so much for blogging 2010. After March things went downhill fast, then picked up and got much better, but busy.

I honestly don't know how much I will actually blog. I'm pretty self-consumed at the moment. Having a lot of personal problems I'm not sharing with the world.

I took a break from painting for a year and have now started up again now that I have a dedicated space as my studio. I think I'll mostly use this place as a showcase/preview area for new works and the place to be a gossipy bitch when the mood strikes, which is hardly ever :)

Goodnight, and good luck.

March 2010

2010-03-31T12:24:00.008-05:00

I don't want to talk about this month a lot, so quick over-view and pictures :)

-House party celebrating freedom from crazy-pants old house-mate = awesome.

-trip to Winona was good but kind of sad since everyone was in some way sick. Had Teddy take my picture.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tedfoo/4428720127/

-My Great Uncle Archie died.

-My Great Aunt Phillis died a day later.

-Impromptu St. Patty's day get-together. Didn't go quite as expected. Was a hot mess.

-Bought new glasses. I can't wear them since they feel like I'm looking through a fish-eye lens.

-Cut off all my hair.

-My baby, Domino died. She was the youngest of my clan.

-My dad turned 54.

Nate, Dad, Ronny and me

My Dad's lady Maureen and him

-I twisted my ankle, my right wisdom tooth started acting up and I got really sick. Also first full weekend I'd gotten off since last June's trip to Colorado. I spent most of the time on the couch feeling gross.

-Got better, it starting being 60-70 degrees outside and celebrated Annalise's 3rd Birthday!

-Soon Easter will be here and in four weeks I move. I haven't started packing, haven't even really thought about it much. It's been a rough month and I think I just need to coast through April without a care.

February 2010

2010-03-04T13:04:00.003-06:00

So this month was consumed by birthdays and apartment hunting and stress.

Joy.

-The 2nd was my 26th birthday and I spent it down in Cannon Falls with my Dad and Ronny. Last year's birthday was disappointing, so I decided to lay low and keep things mellow. Dad cooked me dinner, Ronny hung out with me and we watched Myazaki movies, and I drank. It was relaxing.

However, Nate and Bri dropped the ball and did absolutely nothing... I received a phone call from Nate and a 'Happy birthday wife' written on our white board from Bri. My feelings were defiantly hurt that so little effort was directed towards me from two of the most important people in my life. Drama ensued and I'm now over it.

-Did an Alice photo shoot that I've been meaning to do since Halloween.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/leahdegarmo/4341875937/

-Kicked my 2009 taxes in the ass. Got quite a bit back from state and federal; more money than I was expecting. Padded my savings account and bought all the seasons of Project Runway that I didn't have. Ha!

-Things at WineStreet started going downhill really fast. We weren't ordering inventory to stock the shelves and had a different sale every week to get rid of what we had. This was all incredibly stressful since the owner Brad wouldn't tell us if we were closing, remodeling, moving... whatever. Brian (manager/Bri's dad/my 2nd dad) didn't know what was happening, if he would have a job, if we (the employees) would have a job. Finally on Saturday the 27th, we closed. It was depressing, but welcome. Brian is in the works of trying to buy the store from Brad so we can re-open, but who knows what the bank will say. Everything is pending and it's still pretty stressful.

-Valentines day/President's day weekend Nate's parents came up for a visit. I didn't get to see much of them, but still had a nice visit in the amount of time that I did see them. Pam bought me Spiderman PJ pants... they're awesome. And I always enjoy my time with Jim.

-Most of my month was consumed with apartment hunting. I looked at roughly a dozen different locations in Bloomington for me and Nate. Nothing seemed to fit what it was that we were looking for at this point in our lives. Finally we found a place that we both agree on, the location is good, the rent is good, and the building/apartment isn't falling apart. We're working on all the paperwork now, but the legwork is done until end of April when we have to actually move.

-The weekend of the 19th marked the 1 year anniversary of my Grandfather's death. I still have a hard time thinking about it and talking about it. He was one of the few people in my family that I felt understood me. I miss him intensely and think about him often.

-Kowalski's fired our other 4am shift worker and promptly hired another who after 2 weeks of training didn't show up. So I'm back to working all 4am shifts. I hope they hire someone else soon.

-The 28th was Nate's birthday. We had a party at my house and surprised him with a present of monies to put towards his family crest tattoo. I spent almost 2 months rallying family and friends to contribute whatever they could afford towards this fund and handed him roughly 400$. He was floored and completely overwhelmed and it was perfect. He hasn't added anything new to his armor in years and I know he doesn't have the extra money to put towards it right now. I wanted to give him something that I knew would mean the world to him. It's not just a reminder of where he came from culturally, historically... it will now be a reminder of all the people who care for and love him. It encompasses his family and his friends. If you're not familiar with Nate's tattoo work:

He's working on a full suit of armor based off Germanic design. His family crest will be directly under the plates on his chest and will link with another design on his back.

This whole month has been an emotional roller coaster. More ups and downs than I usually experience in a 28 day period. March will be a continuation of that... but hopefully less so.

January 2010

2010-01-25T14:35:00.011-06:00

Hello, new decade. I didn't make any New Years Resolutions, I never really do, but I've decided that at the end of each month I'm going to try and recap what has happened in my life.

Try being the key word.

-The month started out with a phone call at 12:10am (as I was sleeping), that consisted of nothing but indistinguishable screams. My best friend Meredith's boyfriend Mike had just proposed. She said yes.

-Dani turned 24 on the 6th and we tried to throw her a surprise birthday party... and failed. The party was loads of fun nevertheless. We played 'What's yours like?' a very interesting... and dirty... party game.

-Discovered that Edward Sharpe and the Magnificent Zeros = Love.

-My Grandmother Helen came to visit, I took a few days off to spend with her, my father and my brother. Played a lot of cards. Watched a few of my brother's basketball games. Got asked when I was getting married. -_-

-One of my house mates decided to move out and not tell me. She told our other house mate (and my best friend Brianna), and our landlords (Brianna's parents actually), but has yet to mention to me that she's moving out, even though she has come to take 80% of her things. Needless to say, I think it's for the best that she's leaving.

-Finished my Medusa chest piece

http://www.jerredkincaid.com/

-Went to see Julia Nunes at the Cedar Culture Center on the 20th with Michelle and Dani. She blows my mind.

She is teh win

-One of my closest friends dropped the bomb that he was moving to Germany for very personal reasons. He left today and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that there is a great chance that I will never speak to him face-to-face again. There's a lot of history between the two of us and I'm extremely conflicted on how to feel. I'm going to miss him immensely.

-Nate and I have started apartment hunting. WOW.

-Mom turned 60 and joined facebook.

-My little brother is going to be 14 on Wednesday. When the hell did he become a teenager? And when the hell did he get taller than me!?

And that's.... pretty much my month. This year is going to be a big one.

-Oh yeah, Project Runway season 7 started. :D

Oh, hello blog

2009-06-30T21:29:00.004-05:00

Nate and I just returned from a 10 day journey to Colorado and back via car-trip. I love car-trips. Traveling off interstate highways, finding cool little shops, restaurants, people you would never otherwise meet. Seeing the land pass by and wondering how it's changed in the last few hundred, even thousand years. Listening to music. Talking about past trips and future ones as well.
As a couple who hasn't been together quite a year (9 months or so), spending 24 hours a day together with no personal space whatsoever, a long car-trip can be quite a test.
Meeting his brother, Zhavanya and his nephew Zaydn was incredible. They are an amazing family and I look forward to calling them family, they already feel as such.

I feel so lucky to have been blessed in life with these people.

A few points of interest

2009-04-09T22:05:00.010-05:00

Hello friends! News!

Item 1. Pomplamoose!

The collaboration of Nataly Dawn and Jack Conte, two musicians out of Palo Alto, California. I'm in love. They post video songs on YouTube, and their personal music as well as the music of Pomplamoose is available on iTunes or either of their MySpace pages. A high recommendation.

Item 2. Books!

I am currently working on self publishing two books.
One is a collaborative effort with my friend Jerred Kincaid. Showcasing his tattoo work and my photography. I'm hoping this project will be done by the end of 2009 but there are a lot of people to wrangle and we're now at the disadvantage of no longer having a studio to shoot pictures. If anyone in the Twin Cities area doesn't mind being intruded upon, we're looking for a large kitchen.
His MySpace and My Outtakes.
The second is a personal compilation of my favorite photographs. More of a portfolio type work. Should be done by the end of the summer/early fall 2009.
Possibly to include:

If you'd like to give me input on what pictures I should include, I'd love the feedback! I will be including some of my work off of flickr (although a lot will be photos I haven't publicly shared) so bop on over to my Flickr Account and leave me a note. Both books will be available for purchase online.

Item 3. Website!

I am breaking down at last. I'm building a website. Well, "building" a website. For my art. I have a company called OtherPeoplesPixels which caters to people like me who are technologically inept and who are completely broke. I'll be able to corral all my random websites together, have a decent amount of work in the portfolio area, sell my art online, arrange for shows, post my resume, etc etc... Be all professional. Eek.
I'm being painfully slow when it comes to actually doing this. More updates later. Oh! And if you'd like to help put any of this together, I'll bake you cookies. I just really suck at this stuff, but not baking cookies.

Item 4. Shows!

I currently have two upcoming shows booked for 2009, both in Winona, Minnesota. The first is in August at the Acoustic Cafe and the second is in September at Ed's (No Name) Bar. Directions are available at each respective website. Both spaces are lovely, I've shown at each before. If anyone is interested in driving from Saint Paul/Minneapolis with me during the first and the last of each month to set up/tear down the help would be appreciated. I'll buy you a drink afterwards at Ed's, who is a wonderful man and has incredible taste in beer. Just saying.

Singular Photo

2009-04-08T22:37:00.002-05:00

Some Insight

2009-01-22T21:31:00.004-06:00

* I think hips are the sexiest part of the human body.

* I'm allergic to chocolate and first aid creams (sulfa to be exact).

* I'm not a cat person. My cat is the only cat I will ever own and I love her to pieces.

* I hate the color pink, but love pink eyeshadow.

* I stole my first pack of cigarettes and my first porno mag from the place that gave me my first job.

* My hair has not been its natural color since my freshman year of high school.

* I have to crack my toes before I'm able to go to sleep.

* Everything I look at I see in artistic terms: shadow, line, geometric forms, etc...

* I hate to shop.

* Every time I read David Sedaris, I hear his voice in my head.

* I'm 25 and I'm getting arthritis.

* I love to dress up, but never have occasion to do so.

* The reason I do art is to vent my frustrations and my morbid outlook on life. It keeps me sane enough to function in society.

* I am a Star Wars nerd.

* I have a phobia of leeches, it's called bdellophobia.

* I dislike socks and shoes; if my feet didn't get so damn cold I would never wear them.

* I like finding other people's 'To Do' or shopping lists.

* Being an artist has always made me slightly vain. I'm conflicted on how to feel about this fact.

* I've been a smoker off and on for around 11 years.

* I've had problems with insomnia since I was six years old. It is the reason I'm making this list.

Oh the Holidays

2008-12-03T20:55:00.002-06:00

So anyone who has known me for a decent amount of time knows how I feel about the holiday season. I'm not one to decorate my house or apartment with dead trees and lights and jolly fat men. I try not to buy into the greed of consumerism Christmas. I don't care if the economy is slumping and we need to BUY BUY BUY to make the world go round.

SO. Instead of buying into the commercial bullshit, I'm going a different route. This year I am giving my time to my loved ones. In a way.

I'm offering my friends and family baked goods, paintings and photographs. Want a spice cake for Christmas? Gingerbread cookies? Ok. Really like one of the pictures I've taken? I'll frame it and send it to you. Always wanted a zombie doll head for your living room decor? I got your back.

If you live outside of driving distance, I'll mail it to you, within reason. (sorry guys, I can't really mail pie.)

I have a bunch of photographs on flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/leahdegarmo/
If you want a particular picture, I'll do my best to create it for you.
Same with paintings. if you know I have something that you like, let me know. Or ask and I'll let you know if it's within my abilities.
Baked stuff, I'd be happy fix you what you like :) I'm pretty good at most things.

If you would like something, please let me know! I want my loved ones to know that I care about them and that they are worth my time. If I'm going to need to mail you something, please email me your address at ldegarmo@gmail.com

I urge everyone to let the people important in their lives know. They may already know you care, but it's always nice to get a reminder, especially this time of year when everyone seems to get caught up in the holiday hubbub.

Peace.

Thrifting, Relationships and Self Portraits

2008-11-12T17:28:00.005-06:00

Whenever I'm in a foul mood or just need to get out of the house, I go thrifting. It's something I feel completely comfortable doing by myself. I don't have to buy anything, but I usually find something I can't resist. Because really, who can't find something they like while in a thrift store?

I had today off of work, and like always, none of my friends would commit to doing anything. I'm not sure what it is lately, but all my relationships, friendship and otherwise, have been lacking. I have several friends that live in the Twin Cities area... and I haven't seen most of them since I've moved up here. Others who live outside of the metro, it's more understandable, but even when they're in town for say, a concert, I hear nothing until after the fact. It's frustrating to call someone I consider a friend, and never receive a returned phone call or any acknowledgment that I've tried to contact them. Someone I long considered a very close friend, refuses to talk to me for some reason. He has barely spoken to me since his wedding. I understand people get busy with life, but does that really mean continually ignoring your friends? I lack understanding of that. No matter how busy and stressed out I get, I try to check in and keep in contact with my friends. They're important to me. The only people I see on a regular basis are Bri, Michelle and Nate. I've come to realize I don't really have very many friends I can depend on anymore. Which is sad.

So, I went thrifting by my lonesome today. Bought a few movies, a few amazing cameras, some stuff for an art project, a Batman tie, a mannequin head, a gas mask, and a belt. Pictures of the cameras are on flickr. Also: self portraits.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/leahdegarmo/

Halloween preview

2008-10-25T17:13:00.005-05:00

Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly

My take. Did a trial run today. Need to figure out hair and make up and find some gaudy jewelry. Last minute type costume from one of my favorite books/movies.

Weekend Madness

2008-10-21T14:00:00.005-05:00

Tim Fite

My loves, Man Man.

Have seen these guys 5 times since April. And I'll do it again next tour. Tim Fite was also amazing... will definitely hit up more of his shows when he circles around. Very nice man, humble.
I still can't really believe this weekend happened. Maybe I'll edit this post when I can wrap my brain around all of it. I'm still tired... roughly 850 miles in 3 and 1/2 days. And we cut out the Iowa City show.

Nostalgia

2008-10-11T22:42:00.002-05:00

I miss this. Winona at it's best. My boys.
Joe lives 20 minutes away and we hardly ever talk, even though I call on a semi-regular basis. He's grown up. Mr. Teacher, Mr. Husband. Busy man.

With Mike there's been so many ups and downs, we stopped talking for quite a while after he left Winona. Now we're, us... for lack of a better term. He lives well over 20o miles away and we talk every couple of days, see each other roughly once a month.

I miss my two boys together. Get Mike and Joe together and it's like mixing root beer with ice cream, pizza and beer, bacon and eggs. Delicious and amazing.

Village Pet Store and Charcoal Grill

2008-10-09T12:58:00.002-05:00

Banksy strikes New York, making fun of people's obsessive nature over their food and their pets. He opened a lovely little "pet store" in the West Village, open through Halloween. Images and video taken from www.woostercollective.com

Chicken nugget chicks

Bling bling bunny

Hot dog reptile cages

Fish stick fishes

We have to change if we're going to stay together

2008-10-07T01:06:00.004-05:00

I had a whole personal blog written about life and how stressed out I am... but I deleted it. It's between me and the people it involves. Instead, a 'shopped picture and some Why? lyrics. Cause I'm lame like that.

'Cause I say rain when it's only a drizzle
You get stoned like death in the bible
"She ain't gonna call 2" didn't make my list
But all the rest we sing on
And all the rest we sing on
And all these songs are sung on road trips

And the monterey birches were bare
Raising their skinny arms to the stars in surrender
We have to change if we're gonna stay together

2008-10-06T02:22:00.003-05:00

Outtakes from earlier tonight. Select few over at my flickr, like always.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/leahdegarmo/

Feeling lonely and stressed out and frustrated by my situation in life. Trying to make the best of what I have and remembering to be grateful. It's hard when what I really want is just out of reach... right where I can see it, but can't quite have it.

Lonely photo

2008-09-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

Yashica 35MF

2008-09-16T23:39:00.002-05:00

Old shots from Winona from a roll of film I developed yesterday. I love film. And the random cameras I find. And the random products they produce. <3

What is Seized

2008-09-11T20:22:00.002-05:00

"I remember overhearing a brief snatch of a fight my parents had once. Or rather my mother was crying and having difficulty explaining why to my father, as he seemed angry and distant, she said, and soon he was screaming at her that she should stop her goddamn crying and perhaps get some exercise for a change. At this my mother cried even harder and my father stormed out of the house. But the next day, and several times a week for years afterward, my mother was running along the lake in sweatclothes and old sneakers she didn't mind getting wet. Once in a while I went with her, jogging next to her, watching her breasts float up and down beneath her sweatshirt, imitating the way she breathed in and out with quick snorts. Twice we saw dead birds washed up on shore and we stopped to look at their bedraggled carcasses, their eyes already crawling with small black bugs. 'What is beautiful is seized,' my mother said. 'My grandmother used to tell me that.' "

...

" 'What is beautiful is seized,' murmured my mother, and the blonde woman looked at her oddly and said, 'Yeah, I guess,' and after a few minutes got up and left. Years later my mother would say to me: 'That song your father sang in Carousel. What wonderful lies. He never spent time with you kids, never sang to you or took you places.'
And when she said it, it became true. But only then, when she said it. Until then it seemed Dad was just Dad, was somehow only what he was supposed to be."

...

" 'What is beautiful is seized,' my mother said a final time, speaking of my father, whom she said had been destroyed by too many women, a heart picking over, scratched at, taken, lost. 'It came to me in bulky bandages, seeming much larger, much more that it really was.' "

-Lorrie Moore

Three's company.

2008-08-22T01:00:00.002-05:00

My three girls. My little beauties. Kit, Peach and Izzy.
After these guys, I've decided to not keep rats anymore. At least for a while. I had Mage, Panda and Mouse all pass away within a several month period.

Now Izzy is neurological and the vet doesn't know what's wrong, so we're blindly treating her for what *might* be wrong. She's only about 6-7 months old, has a healthy appetite and plenty of energy. Has so much personality... and I can't do much of anything for her.
I've had to separate her from her cage-mates so she doesn't hurt herself. I can't let her run around by herself like I normally would, because she falls and tumbles, flips herself over with her head thrashing.
I don't know what to do with her... and I can't afford weekly/biweekly trips to the vet, medication that probably won't work, x-rays (which start at 120$) and blood work. This first visit set me back almost 90$.

I'm not sure where to go from here.

I try to behave but it eats me alive

2008-08-19T17:29:00.001-05:00

You do it to yourself, you do, originally uploaded by pandaspork.

Life has been very surreal as of late.
It goes on as normal, but I come home and sit and it's as if I spent the whole day watching a movie; I'm playing back the clips in my head. It never happened.
There's a soundtrack: Radiohead's "The Bends"

It's intoxicating. Lonely and heartfelt. Painful.

It wasn't my favorite album when I started listening to Radiohead. I've always been partial to "Kid A." But of their 7 studio albums to date, it resonates deeply with me. I hardly listen to less than half the album in one sitting. I can't pick one song to listen to and move on, they all connect to one another.

My life is playing to the tranquil crooning of Thom Yorke.
It's making me depressed.

2008-08-03T23:00:00.003-05:00

It's been a good night.

Took a bath and ate focaccia with spinach, feta, and kalamata olives for dinner.

Drank a beer.

Downloaded anything I could find by Yoni Wolf. He's amazing. I'm buying Why? tickets on Friday after I get paid.

Read some Fitzgerald and watched Family Guy.

Now it's raining sporadically and all I can hear is the rain and the oak leaves outside my living room window. An occasional car. My cat yawn. This is the most peaceful I've felt since moving to St. Paul.

2008-08-01T23:38:00.002-05:00

Lately, I feel a bit like this little bird run over in a parking lot.

Quit it

2008-07-27T01:26:00.003-05:00

"Limb by limb, tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me
Every day, every hour
I wish that I was bullet proof."

I started smoking when I was 14.

I don't really remember what started it all, what spurred me on to steal that first pack of Marlboro Reds (I can still taste them now), flick that lighter and become an addict.

At 15, my father found my cigarettes, hidden inside an Altoid mint tin (as a smoker I became a breathe mint junkie), also hidden inside my hollow book. He swears up and down that he was not searching my room, but there's no other way he'd of found anything. So I was punished, as was my best friend Dani who was forever my counterpart in those stupid things that teenagers find themselves doing.
I quit for a while, but eventually started up again. By the time I hit college I was at two packs a day and it only got worse when I experienced my first finals week. Perkins was my savior; open 24 hours a day with a comfortable smoking section, internet access, endless cups of tea and waitresses who knew to leave me alone to my chain smoking, textbook reading ways.

When I graduated college, I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without being completely winded. At this point I was smoking clove cigarettes, but down to smoking about half a pack a day. Which didn't matter, because as tasty and slow burning as they are, are extremely bad for you. More so than the regular nicotine filled, chemically infused sticks of cancer. At 22, I couldn't run a mile, walk up a flight of stairs or take a deep, fulfilling breathe without coughing, gagging and spitting.

So I went cold turkey. Which isn't easy. I admired those who can chew the gum, do the patch, talk to groups or whatever other endless ways there are to "quit" smoking for good. I tried a few of those and they just made me want to go back to my sinful ways. And I did, several times. It took about a year for me to achieve any type of actual success. I mean success in the way that, when I see someone smoking I don't want to join them. When my downstairs neighbor sits on the front stoop smoking his Camels, I have to close my window because the smell bothers me so much. Cigarettes in movies or on Tv no longer remind me to reach for my lighter and step outside.

I can run up a flight of stairs now, or bike 5 miles without having to stop just to breathe. I don't have to lie to my family if they ask if I smoke (to this day they still think I quit completely at age 15). I feel better and I don't look so damn tired all the time.

The temptation is still there. Every once in a while, when I'm extremely stressed out, or bored, or hungry I want that little something to take the edge off. I want something to do with my hands while I'm sitting outside waiting for a ride or walking somewhere. I still get that urge when I have a Jack and coke in one hand, that I should be holding a cigarette in the other. Those things won't really ever go away. Things like smoking bans help tremendously for not only non-smokers or children who have the right to be free of secondhand smoke, but for people similar to me who want to continue to be "quitters."

Where do we go from here? Baby steps

2008-07-17T03:02:00.003-05:00

I may be going to Korea for a year to teach English, starting June 2009.
I'm excited, scared, nervous...
all those emotions you'd expect to feel with moving to another country, another culture, another language.

I've never seen myself as a teacher, but I've always been one, unintentionally: to my family (my brother mostly), my friends and to myself. There has always been a lesson, always something to learn from life. As my friend Lindsey once said, "You have the touch, you have the look, you know your shit without even knowing it."
I didn't want to go to school to be a teacher for the rest of my life, but I do think it'd would be a marvelous experience.

Going overseas is something I've always wanted to do, but have never had the funds or the guts. With this situation I'd have the money and be close enough to visit Korea of course, but also Japan, the Philippines, Thailand and maybe even China or India. All places I've wanted to go. I'd be making close to triple what I'm making now. Which in "American standards" isn't that much, but hell, it's definitely more than I'm making now.

This is still something I'll be thinking about, and it's going to be a while before I make a decision. I need to DO something though. I made the move to the Twin Cities, which is a step. Baby steps... baby steps. I like the idea of helping kids, they're the ones who need it in this fucking world. At the same time the last time I moved somewhere knowing pretty much no one, a horrible mess ensued. I'm not good dealing with strange situations. But... here we go...

Joshua Allen Harris

2008-07-14T19:33:00.001-05:00

Trash bag genius, one of my favorite "new" street artists
I've seen quite a bit of his stuff, but I'm glad NY Mag has done an interview with him

some of the first videos of his work:

Air bear, which started the whole thing

Street Zoo

Wedding Weekend

2008-07-14T00:08:00.002-05:00

Crazy fun times with Mike, Joe, Erin and Joe's nephew Hunter. I even wore a dress, and Mike a tux! Enjoyed a nice weekend off of work, but tomorrow is back to the grind.

Tuesday evening

2008-07-09T20:11:00.003-05:00

New hair color, but all over a slightly depressing evening. Was supposed to go over to a friend's house and couldn't muster up the energy. What's wrong with me.

more pictures at http://www.flickr.com/photos/leahdegarmo

Time to think

2008-07-07T01:15:00.003-05:00

I spent all of Saturday going through my dad's old family photos for a family project that I was talked into doing. Combined with my Mum being at the house for his 4th of July party, memories came flooding back and I've been in a funky sort of self-induced depression the past few days.

Marriage is one of those funny things. People get married so young nowadays and throw in the towel at any sign of unhappiness and difficultly. When did we stop trying? Is it a chain effect of parents getting divorced? A slippery slope? Is it the media and Hollywood. telling us daily that "true love" is perfect and once you find it, the work ends? Have we honestly became THAT lazy?

I want to believe that two people can love each other and co-exist. Depend on one another and trust in each other absolutely. I can't say I've really ever seen it. And in my limited view of the world, with my few experiences, finding someone who is willing to try as hard as you are, is the hard part. Falling in love is easy. Staying in in love is near impossible.

Raw

2008-07-02T22:08:00.002-05:00

I've always been jealous of the women who could wear lipstick and dark, dark shadows. I like what works for me. That most definitely doesn't work for me. I had an ex-boyfriend once tell me I was one of those girls who could pull off not wearing any makeup. I always appreciated him saying that.

Rest in Peace

2008-06-29T20:52:00.002-05:00

Two of my little girls recently passed away. Panda about a month ago, and Mouse earlier today. Anyone who knows anything about me, knows my rats are my babies. I love everything about owning rats. They're so personable and smart; I compare them to mini dogs. They've been good friends and as pets can do, saved me from myself more than a few times. I miss every single one that has passed, and enjoy each one I'm still able to spend time with. I'm going to spend the rest of the evening with Peach and my two new babies, thankful for what I have, but missing what I've lost.

In honor of Pride, one of my favorite poems

2008-06-25T21:29:00.002-05:00

How to Watch Your Brother Die
Michael Lassell

When the call comes, be calm.
Say to your wife, “My brother is dying. I have to fly
to California.”
Try not to be shocked that he already looks like
a cadaver.
Say to the young man sitting by your brother’s side,
“I’m his brother,”
Try not to be shocked when the young man says,
“I’m his lover. Thanks for coming.”

Listen to the doctor with a steel face on.
Sign the necessary forms.
Tell the doctor you will take care of everything.
Wonder why doctors are so remote.

Watch the lover’s eyes as they stare into
your brother’s eyes as they stare into
space.
Wonder what they see there.
Remember the time he was jealous and
opened your eyebrow with a sharp stick.
Forgive him out loud
even if he can’t understand you.
Realize the scar will be
all that’s left of him.

Over coffee in the hospital cafeteria
say to the lover, “You’re an extremely good-looking
young man.”
Hear him say,
“I never thought I was good looking enough to
deserve your brother.”
Watch the tears well up in his eyes. Say,
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what it means to be
the lover of another man.”
Hear him say,
“It’s just like a wife, only the commitment is
deeper because the odds against you are so much
greater.”
Say nothing, but
take his hand like a brother’s.

Drive to Mexico for unproven drugs that might
help him live longer.
Explain what they are to the border guard.
Fill with rage when he informs you,
“You can’t bring those across.”
Begin to grow loud.
Feel the lover’s hand on your arm,
restraining you. See in the guard’s eye
how much a man can hate another man.
Say to the lover, “How can you stand it?”
Hear him say, “You get used to it.”
Think of one of your children getting used to
another man’s hatred.

Call your wife on the telephone. Tell her,
“He hasn’t much time.
I’ll be home soon.” Before you hang up say,
“How could anyone’s commitment be deeper than
a husband and wife?” hear her say,
“Please, I don’t want to know all the details.”

When he slips into an irrevocable coma,
hold his lover in your arms while he sobs,
no longer strong. Wonder how much longer
you will be able to be strong.
Feel how it feels to hold a man in your arms
whose arms are used to holding men.
Offer God anything to bring your brother back.
Know you have nothing God could possibly want.
Curse God, but do not
abandon Him.

Stare at the face of the funeral director
when he tells you he will not
embalm the body for fear of
contamination. Let him see in your eyes
how much a man can hate another man.
Stand beside a casket covered in flowers,
white flowers. Say,
“Thank you for coming” to each of several hundred men
who file past in tears, some of them
holding hands. Know that your brother’s life
was not what you imagined. Overhear two mourners say,
“I wonder who’ll be next.”

Arrange to take an early flight home.
His lover will drive you to the airport.
When your flight is announced say,
awkwardly, “If I can do anything, please
let me know.” Do not flinch when he says,
“Forgive yourself for not wanting to know him
after he told you. He did.”
Stop and let it soak in. Say,
“He forgave me, or he knew himself?”
“Both”, the lover will say, not knowing what else
to do. Hold him like a brother while he
kisses you on the cheek. Think that
you haven’t been kissed by a man
since your father died. Think,

“This is no moment not to be strong.” Fly
first class and drink scotch. Stroke
your split eyebrow with a finger
and think of your brother alive. Smile
at the memory and think
how your children will feel in your arms,
warm and friendly and without challenge.

Feets

2008-06-25T18:58:00.001-05:00

I has them.

Images from my day

2008-06-22T19:42:00.004-05:00

Houses of the Holy

2008-06-22T18:46:00.002-05:00

I remember listening to this album in my parent's basement as a child. It makes me want to go out a buy a record player, just to listen to this one album on vinyl. Pops, scratches and hisses the music comes alive. A cd doesn't compare.

I bought it on cd anyways, since I don't own a record player. Nor am I likely to buy one in the near future. And these songs are too important to me NOT to own.

"Many have I loved
Many times been bitten
Man times I've gazed
along the open road.
Many times I've lied
Many times I've listened
Many times I've wondered
how much there is to know."

few outtakes from my Friday night

2008-06-21T00:04:00.005-05:00

There's a few more at http://www.flickr.com/photos/leahdegarmo/

It's been a long day, a long week, a long month. I'm just thankful we now have air conditioning.

Graffiti

2008-06-17T15:51:00.001-05:00

My kid brother

2008-06-17T14:30:00.002-05:00

Ronny, originally uploaded by pandaspork.

I remember when I was 12. I went through a huge crisis in finding a religion I could connect with. My parents were both raised going to church every Sunday, but when they were married they agreed never to baptise their children and they both stopped going to church. I grew up only knowing about "God" from my church-going friends. I was desperate to find anything I could belong to and call my own. I went to Catholic churches, Baptist, Lutheran, Methodist, etc etc etc.... because I lived in a Christian town with no other options. I struggled for years to come terms with the fact I DID NOT belong in any of these denominations.

I still struggle. But I finally know enough about myself to understand what works for me.

Now I'm watching Ronny, my 12 year old brother, go through the same thing.

Sunday we spent the day together, the first since I moved to St. Paul. Driving in the car from my father's house to my apartment he randomly blurted out he was happy Mum and Dad had never made us go to church.
The next half hour conversation made me so proud of my usually immature little brother.

At the same age where I would cry myself to sleep because I couldn't force myself to believe in God or Jesus and I thought I was going to burn in Hell, my brother has realized the benefit and the freedom of choice.
He told me how he believed all children should be raised with the opportunity to choose what they believe in, instead of being made to join the belief system of their family.

This from a sixth-grader who spends his days reading sci-fi books and playing Mario Kart.

He's fighting to find something he believes in, but isn't pushing against the "this is what I'm supposed to believe because it's how I was raised." He asks questions instead of lying down and accepting what people try to force feed him. He questions and argues and fights.

And gives me hope.

Sabbath my ass

2008-06-16T12:44:00.003-05:00

Trying to find something free to do in the Twin Cities on a Monday is harder than it seems. Fuck resting on the seventh day, apparently it's carried over into the eighth.